I don’t want you to get despondent about the difficulties of ejaculation control: if you approach it in the right way, it’s actually not hard to learn how to last longer in bed.
The important question is: “Are you really willing to put in the effort that’s needed to slow down your sexual arousal and delay your orgasm so you can really last longer?”
You see, the fact is that in learning to last longer, intention is everything. You have to make a firm commitment to overcoming PE, and you have to practice the ejaculation control techniques with dedication.
If you’re not willing to do that, then you’re never going to learn how to slow down your orgasm. And that means that your cycle of fear, shame, embarrassment, anxiety – and fast ejaculation – will simply continue each time you make love.
On the other hand, assuming that you are indeed committed to learning to slow down and finding out how to last longer, then the good news is that there are plenty of simple techniques you can use.
In my last post I said that one of the key things about orgasm is that it’s tension releasing.
This means that the more tense you are, the faster you’ll reach orgasm.
Conversely, of course, the less tense you are, in other words, the more relaxed, both physically and mentally, you are, the more slowly you’ll reach orgasm.
To help stop tension building up, muscular relaxation techniques are a crucial part of ejaculation control training.
But it isn’t just being relaxed in your body that’s important. It’s also essential to be relaxed in your mind.
As you probably know, if you’re experiencing strong emotions like fear or anxiety, say for example about ejaculating too soon or not being able to satisfy your sexual partner, then you’re likely to come quite quickly whether you want to or not.
So mental attitude is a crucial part of overcoming premature ejaculation.
The obvious question is, how do you change your mental attitude?
How do you cope emotionally with your self-doubt and the all-too-real prospect of not, shall we say, “performing” too well in bed?
Well, you could break the vicious cycle of negative reinforcement, and one of the best ways to do this is by practising good sexual techniques, in other words learning to make love more skilfully.
Needless to say, this is best done with a partner who you love and respect, and who is willing to join in the fun with you!
That means it’s obviously helpful to be in a long-term relationship with a partner whom you trust while you’re trying to develop control of your ejaculation.
Having said that, many men are not in such a situation, but it’s still possible to gain a great deal more control of your ejaculation, and to learn some simple techniques that make it less important if you do spurt too soon (e.g. by giving her an orgasm before you even think about your own).
One of the simplest and easiest techniques to help yourself last longer in bed is to use breathing control. Surprisingly it may sound, deep breathing is a very powerful technique that can help you last much longer in bed.
For men, sex is so exciting that our bodily responses often run away with us.
You might have noticed how you become tense and excited, and your breathing becomes shallow and fast, when you’re a sexual situation. That’s a natural response, but as you can well imagine it doesn’t slow down your ejaculation or extend the period of lovemaking.
If you actually consciously intervene by breathing deeply and slowly, you’ll find that you can maintain a great deal more control over how quickly you become sexually aroused.
The next control technique, as I’ve implied before, is to maintain a level of relaxation in your body.
That means, in effect, that you need to seek out lovemaking positions which don’t put a lot of strain on your muscles and increase the muscular tension in your body during sex.
The ultimate sex position for this is the woman on top position, because you just get to lie on your back while she enjoys being dominant for once, and you enjoy the sight of her making love with you!
If she’s not willing to do this, or you’re not willing to relinquish your position of “male power” (man on top), then side-by-side lovemaking positions are a good compromise.
One sex position you should avoid more than anything is the man on top position because having to support your weight in your arms generates so much tension that you’re likely to ejaculate faster than ever; a situation not helped by the fact that you can thrust very deeply – the pelvic thrusts are another key element of rapid climax in men.
Now you may also have heard that pubococcygeus muscle training is essential for good ejaculation control.
The truth is that most of the advice about PC muscle control is very unreliable, if not downright wrong.
For men, lasting longer is all about keeping sexual arousal below the point of ejaculatory inevitability (a.k.a. the point of no return – as you know that’s the moment when you are simply going to ejaculate no matter what happens and you can’t stop the reflex occurring).
Any technique that allows you to keep your sexual arousal below the point which went to ejaculate clearly will enable you to last longer in bed. You can do this quite effectively by squeezing your PC muscle for brief periods of time.
This isn’t about stopping ejaculation once started, it’s about simply doing that – squeezing your PC muscles for brief periods of time as you begin to become more aroused what you’ll find if you do this consistently and consciously is that your erection probably fade slightly and your level of sexual arousal decreases slightly.
It’s a very effective tool: in fact, it’s one of the most effective tools for slowing down the rate which you ramp up your sexual arousal, and it can keep you on the plateau phase below the point of ejaculatory inevitability for quite some time.
Interestingly enough, what you’ll also find is that squeezing your PC muscle when you’re very near to the point of ejaculation actually speeds it up: you might have noticed that squeezing your PC muscle and tensing your body can actually bring on ejaculation.
It is paradoxical that the muscle can do two different things, but if you learn to use it wisely, you certainly can develop great ejaculation control.
And finally the other key element of ejaculation control for men in bed is maintaining focus on what’s happening.
By that I mean not being distracted by fantasy, but actually keeping your attention on yourself and your partner and actually sensing your level of arousal, her level of arousal, and the delicate interplay of sexual energy between the two.
What you’ll find if you do that is that your arousal is very closely linked to her is, and that’s fine, as long as your arousal isn’t increasing so rapidly that it exceeds hers and you reach the point of climax long before she gets. to hers.
When you’re open and sensitive to how aroused your partner is, you can apply the simple techniques described above to control your own increase in sexual arousal, so that your ejaculation is delayed.