I’m often asked what are the key factors, for men, that enable them to last longer in bed?
I think the first, and maybe the most important, thing is that you don’t have expectations which are too high.
For example, did you know that the average time that men can control their orgasm during sex, before they ejaculate, is only 90 seconds?
That figure is not very well known, but it certainly shows that the majority of men have either not learned to delay their ejaculation, or are naturally fast ejaculators, or perhaps don’t care about how long they last in bed.
After all, for men, sex is a rewarding activity whether it lasts 30 seconds or 90 seconds – or at least that’s what we all think.
But I wonder if that’s because we’ve all been exposed to the idea that any kind of ejaculation, any kind of orgasm, is a good one?
One of the things we grow up with during adolescence and young adulthood (and possibly even as older men) is a habit of fast ejaculation, of masturbating as quickly as possible, and often furtively, just to relieve our sexual tension.
I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but it’s certainly unhelpful in lovemaking because it establishes a pattern of behaviour that does not enable men to last a long time in bed when enjoying sex with a woman.
But the reality is actually rather different: to start with, most women who enjoy sexual intercourse with their man appreciate an extended period of contact and closeness.
After all, there’s nothing more intimate for a woman than allowing her man to penetrate her and hold him close. It’s often said that men need sex to feel love, but I think the same is often true for women, in the sense that they get a greater sense of intimacy and connection with a man while making love.
Secondly, if a woman has any chance at all of reaching orgasm during intercourse, she’s going to need more than 90 seconds of penetration and thrusting to achieve that, unless she’s extremely aroused when a man enters her.
To reach orgasm in 90 seconds she’ll need to be so aroused that the act of penetration tips her over into orgasm.
And thirdly, most interestingly of all to me, is the fact that sex which lasts longer actually produces better orgasms for men (orgasm is a release of tension, and the more tension, the better the orgasmic release….and the longer sex lasts, the greater the tension…you get the idea, I’m sure).
This raises the very interesting question of why men appear not to try particularly hard to last longer in bed.
Most men who seek out a cure for premature ejaculation, or a way to delay their ejaculation, do so because they’re embarrassed about coming so quickly.
The sense of shame that they experience, or the embarrassment they feel when they can only make love to woman for a short time, is such that they want to do something about it…
But the reality is, as the statistic of 90 seconds’ average duration of intercourse proves, that not so many men appear to be particularly successful at this.
So we have a paradox: we men feel anxious about coming too soon, we feel ashamed or guilty or like we are letting our partners down – or perhaps our sexual self-confidence is reduced – when we do come too quickly, and we certainly know that our female sexual partners would like us to last much longer in bed – so why don’t we actually learn how to do this?
I think the answer lies in a couple of simple facts. First of all ejaculation is so rewarding.
As somebody once said, “There’s no such thing as bad ejaculation, it’s just that some are better than others.”
The second thing is that ejaculation control takes persistence and effort, and in the face of an increasingly intense desire to simply ejaculate as hard and fast as possible (which is what we instinctually feel when we start making love), it can be quite hard to apply the principles that you’ve learned in ejaculation control training.
We can thank Mother Nature for her desire to see us fertilize our partners’ eggs for that one!
So, in practice, any premature ejaculation treatment, any system that bills itself as a way to last longer in bed for men, has to do several things.
It has to provide techniques that are practical and realistic, as well as being easy to use when you’re actually making love.
It has to be simple and effective, so that it doesn’t take a man’s mind off what he’s doing when he’s making love.
And it actually has to be flexible enough that it can be used by men whose needs are slightly different.
It’s important to understand that there is a difference between delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation, which is very significant.
Delayed ejaculation is a condition in which a man finds it difficult or indeed impossible to ejaculate during sexual intercourse, and it’s a condition which is in many ways the opposite of premature ejaculation.
Premature ejaculation means a lack of ejaculatory control, or rather, that a man is unable to control the rate at which his sexual arousal increases – so much so that he reaches the point of ejaculatory inevitability uncontrollably, and ejaculates long before he or his partner wishes him to do so.
In general, premature ejaculation seems to be caused by repressed anger or fear, specifically directed towards or against women. The control of ejaculation that can be developed by using techniques of muscular control, desensitization to arousal, and greater tolerance of sexual stimuli can all develop some degree of control, but to maintain this is a lifelong battle.
In general, men with delayed ejaculation are unable to ejaculate, and will find that no matter what they do, to stimulate themselves, they don’t get to the point of ejaculatory inevitability – in other words, their arousal does not increase anything like fast enough to ensure that they can get to a point where the ejaculatory reflex is triggered.